Day 151

This morning was one of those times when our little one wakes early - waking at 4am. I took a bottle into him and got into bed for a while with him. It was clear he wanted to settle, as he constantly roamed his bed like a dog in its basket, but he couldn't settle - when he had gone to bed the night before he had left his cuddly rabbit behind, and he appeared to be looking for it. I manged to grab it from our bedroom and pass him it - lo and behold he was asleep in no time at all.

So today was Fry-up Thursday - this seems a good day to have our fry up, as we have a shopping delivery today, and so many times in the past I have been half way through my lunch when the delivery has turned up early - why they never message to say they are coming early I don't know, but once again they did.

With the weather being decent we managed to get some more of our garden games played, which is always good - while yesterday was nice playing games on the Portal, you can't beat getting outside in the sunshine to make you feel a bit better about things.

The son-in law came round today with his mate to try and sort out our shower - We sat out in the garden while they did what they could and as soon as they were finished I disinfected everything from the front door to the bathroom. It's amazing how accepting people are of what you have to do and how quickly these sort of things become normal. Well, as normal as new normal can be!

Finally, this should have been at the top of the post, but I didn't want to start off on a negative. My wife is struggling with things at the moment. I know she says she just has bad days, but personally I think it is more than that, unfortunately she won't really let me help her - yes we talk, yes I tell her what I think, but I'm no expert and I think she needs expert help.

It's not "normal" to have to get up at 4.30 in the morning as you are so tearful that you can't stay in bed. Bad husband that I am I didn't realise for an hour, and only realised something was up when I came down to use the loo and was hit by the overwhelming smell of bleach spray - she had been up and basically bleached anything that didn't move in the kitchen!

We tried to talk about how she feels, but it is really difficult. She is scared of dying, scared of the virus, scared of not being around to see our little one grow up - she is basically just scared and is finding it incredibly difficult. I have suggested she talk to someone, but that is part of the problem, with the current situation she doesn't feel that the telephone counselling she has had has been of any benefit. The "face to face" sessions she had before lockdown were far more beneficial and she feels like nothing helps at the moment...

Hopefully as things get easier she may find she can talk to someone, other than me, as I really think she needs it - having cancer is a massive burden to carry by yourself!